Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
