Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
