There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Randomize
