just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I wear drunk well.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
