I swear she didn't look like that last week.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
