Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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