my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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