Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
