i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
