god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
