i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
