You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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