I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
