Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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