Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
