too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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