yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
