Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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