wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
