Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
