There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
