my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
