Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
