i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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