I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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