I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
