Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
