He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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