dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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