Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
