If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
