No stitches, just platelets and will power
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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