all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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