My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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