Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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