I need to stop coming to work sober
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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