My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
