Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
