then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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