i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
