sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
