I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
