She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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