hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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