I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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