i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
