I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
