bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
