you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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