My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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