Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
